Life Update Part 2

So I decided to give the good ol’ site a browse from an outside perspective and I noticed that I wrote an entry that had Part 1. I remember writing that title because there was going to be Part 2. And I intended to write Part 2 but when life sent me on a tide, I forgot about # 2, since Part 1 didn’t tell the whole story.

So what’s the rest of the story?

If you don’t keep tabs on the BBA Insta, I posted some tidbits about going back to school and the resulting diploma from it. I took a course to become a Pharmacy Technician and I’m set to take the certification exam at the end of this month. Doing so would allow me to work as a pharmacy tech anywhere, though I know hospitals prefer the PtCB, which is the more difficult version of the exam. Continue reading “Life Update Part 2”

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When Depression is Kicking Your Ass…

My postings here have been sporadic to say the least. In part because lately, I find myself struggling in the sea of my depressive bouts. Some rounds I win, some rounds I lose and when I do, I’m face planted onto the ground I’m standing on and it is scarily comforting. I don’t even wanna pick myself up for a while. As much as I am self-professed makeup addict, even the latest in makeup can’t peel me off from my current faceplant.

I can’t stay there forever because I know I just can’t. But pulling myself back up from what my mind and my body considers to be falsely comforting is easier said than done. The most I can manage are attempts each and every day when I lose to a bout of depression (because these fuckers tend to last pretty damn long). Eventually, I’ll have worn it out enough that I can break through and be on my feet again.

But it isn’t a permanent victory – it just so happens that I managed to outhold my depression. Playing with my makeup collection helps. Sometimes. I don’t know how girls (and guys, because let’s face it: guys can do makeup too) could go through the lengthy ritual of doing their makeup for a simple snapshot (out of possibly tens of)  to post on Instagram, only to wipe all that effort off at the end of the day. And that’s the opening that my depression just needs to push me right back.

And don’t even get me started on the things I hear from it when I’m down: who are you trying to fool with that makeup? You’re not beautiful, no matter how much foundation you use or how good you blend that eyeshadow. That can never hide the fact that you’re just a selfish asshole deep down – it’s why you can never have a boyfriend or you lost yours to his side chick. What happens when you show up with a face full of makeup and a guy sees it and falls in love with “that” you? Will he still love you when he sees the pores on your cheeks, the acne on your neck, the blackheads on your nose? Who are you kidding, really? 

No makeup could ever hide the fact that you’re clingy and overemotional. He hated you for it and so does everyone else. That’s why they left you. 

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. And they’re, more often than not, horribly right. Try as I might to disprove those painful thoughts, they prove to be true in the end. Perhaps it can be chalked to a self-fulfilling prophecy (which I still try to understand – how does me trying to prove my depression wrong end up proving it right?), but I see that explanation as a cop-out.

I figured that if I’m going to do a beauty blog, I can’t just endlessly talk about one half of it, which is just makeup. Because a million other bloggers do it on a daily basis. But what about the other, unglamorous half of being a beauty blogger? What about the days when makeup becomes a boon instead of a mood lifter?

Let’s be real: it ain’t all highlighters and color spectrum eyeshadows on fleek all the time in beauty land.

Update(s)!

Holy crap, BBs! Yes, you’re seeing a new entry on your WP news feed. Whether the Apocalypse is coming or the world tilted on its axis cannot be confirmed by me updating, but yeah. I thought I’d post something because I’ve been fairly quiet with the blog for at least 2 weeks now.

To be blunt about what the hell happened with BBA: Life. The world outside the beauty blogosphere kicked my ass. Between keeping the house running while my folks went away to work becoming more unnecessarily stressful to trying to take care of myself after being slammed with unwanted news… beauty blogging was nowhere on that list. I haven’t posted any updates on the YouTube channel either – partly because I had to make some technical upgrades and revise my recording style in turn.

And this week isn’t going to give me any breathing room – this week of July, for the rest of my life, will always send me to a dark place, where alcohol is the only coping mechanism available. Some people drink to remember – I drink to try and forget but I can’t.

I will attempt to do a TRE post today – there’s been a shitload of stuff happening in the beauty scene that could fill the TRE archives for days. I need to try – I need something to get me through the days ahead.

Blossy