Truth be told, I was procrastinating writing this post. But seeing as how I’ve already missed updating the site on Wednesday and Shark Tank Friday, I knew I had to say something to you Beautiful Blossoms.
I’ll try my best not to drag this on or ramble or go on too much. Hope you’re ready for some heavy reading.
For the last week and just a few minutes ago, I’ve been undergoing heavy bouts of severe depression. I’ve been able to make it through previous bouts, but this round had me crippled not only mentally, but physically as well. I couldn’t even find the strength to lift one arm – all I wanted was to just lay in bed and wish that Death would come and claim me.
It’s crippling enough that I would literally forget even the most basic functions – to breathe, to think, to live. Like I’ve said before, I’ve dealt with bouts of severe depression, but this time, the goal was to, essentially, hand me a KO. And the fight ain’t over yet. Even now, I’m struggling to string my thoughts together while a panic attack is trying to subtly creep in and cause my brain to go haywire.
It’s strong enough to pitch the idea of suicide to me. Again, but with a more inviting tone.
I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’m not in the right mental state to continue BBA. Initially, I thought that if I focus on it, then maybe the bout will finally be over for now and the panic attacks will cease to stop. But it hasn’t. I’ve tried to focus on BBA all week but I couldn’t even coherently think of the site, let alone think about what to write for it.
I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to continue the site. Right now, I’m seeking therapy to help me cope, because I’ve been shouldering the effects of child sexual abuse for the last 20 years and never sought help for it. I felt like I didn’t deserve to.
I’m sorry if this came off as really depressing, but I wanted to be real and up front with you, my Beautiful Blossoms. I hope I can come back from this.
Stay strong. Stay blooming.